I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
