I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
