I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
