I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize