So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
