Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
