America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
