And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
