I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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