I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
