Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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