My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
