he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
