I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
