come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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