I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
