so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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