my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
