So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
