I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
