so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
