I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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