At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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