Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
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Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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