so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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