Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
