You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
