Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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