i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
