After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
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Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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