apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
