He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
