What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
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the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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