I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
