Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
