My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
