he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies