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My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.