So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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