Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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