bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
