If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
