and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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