You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
