Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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