I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
