If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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