peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
