'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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