Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Houston, we have a blender
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
