How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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