He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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