If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
