I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
