At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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