I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
