If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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