i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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